


Chasing The Light

by Astri



Series: The Chaos After You [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Dreams, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Post-Credits Scene, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 07:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14514999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astri/pseuds/Astri
Summary: Thor dreams of Loki, and what could have been.--To the beginning, where the sun shines upon them.





	Chasing The Light

**Author's Note:**

> _"I love thee, I love but thee,  
>  With a love that shall not die,  
> Till the sun grows cold  
> And the stars grow old."_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> ***

  _He is on the Statesman standing alongside Loki, looking out into the vast, endless space._

_“Do you really think it’s a good idea to bring me back to Earth?” asks Loki out of the blue, not looking at him._

_‘Yes, of course. The people on Earth love me. I’m very popular,’ he remembers saying the first time he was asked that question. It only occurs to him now how self-absorbed he was then, thinking only of himself and never once considering Loki’s feelings and predicament. ‘Probably not, to be honest,’ he answered, when Loki rephrased his question to whether he thought it was a good idea to bring him back to Earth. ‘I wouldn’t worry, Brother. I feel like everything’s gonna work out fine,’ he added unthinkingly, blissfully unaware, mere moments before learning how wrong he was._

_This time, Thor will not let it end the same way._

_“I don’t know, Brother. I just know that I want you by my side,” he tells Loki, willing his voice not to tremble. “No matter what happens, I’ll be there to protect you.”_

_Loki widens his eyes, seemingly taken aback by his words. Thor looks at him, gaze unwavering._

_“That’s…not what I meant,” Loki mumbles, averting his eyes. Then he frowns and looks back at Thor, seeming mildly offended. “I don’t need you to protect me.”_

_“I know, but I want to,” Thor reiterates gently, lifting a hand and curling it around the back of Loki’s neck protectively in an old, familiar gesture. He has seen for himself—and even now wishes badly he never did—how terribly brittle it could be—_

_The world spins around him, before the nightmare can be relived._

_He is in his personal cabin on the ship, looking back at his own reflection, when Loki’s image joins his own in the mirror._

_‘You know, maybe you’re not so bad after all, Brother,’ he remembers telling Loki. Now he feels like punching himself for having said that. Why couldn’t he have simply shown more appreciation for his brother, after all he had done for him? ‘You really are the worst brother'—he can’t help remembering his awful last words to Loki, before—_

_He wills the dreadful train of thoughts from his mind forcefully. He has never regretted saying something so badly in the whole millennium he has lived. He wishes he can take back those words. Every unkind word, every unfair accusation, and every hurt he may have inflicted on Loki, he wishes he can take them all back._

_‘If you’re here I might even give you a hug,’ he recalls instead, the words that he said to Loki the last time they were here, a memory that doesn’t hurt._

_‘I’m here,’ said Loki as he easily caught the bottle stopper that Thor had thrown at him, and Thor couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips. He opened his arms invitingly, raising his brows at Loki expectantly. Loki rolled his eyes, but languidly he strode towards Thor and leaned into Thor's arms like it was the most natural thing in the world, wrapping his own arms around Thor and burying his face in the crook of Thor’s neck. Thor hugged back without hesitation, and just like that they held each other in an embrace that felt so right but so long overdue, unwilling to let go of each other for a long time._

_Thor swallows, feeling overwhelmed by the memory._

_“You’re here,” he chokes out as he turns to face Loki, unable to help the tears welling up in his eye._

_“I’m here,” Loki affirms with the hint of a smile, looking slightly unsure._

_Without a second thought Thor crosses the room and pulls his brother into his arms, hugging him tightly. Loki’s body feels warm and solid against his chest, heart beating strongly and in tandem with his own, and Thor swears it is the sweetest harmony he has ever known. He doesn’t realise he’s crying until Loki pulls back a little to cup his cheek with a hand, brushing a thumb under his eye._

_“Brother? What’s wrong?” asks Loki in concern, his other hand stroking Thor’s back in a soothing manner._

_“It’s nothing,” Thor reassures his brother with a smile. “I’m just glad you’re here.”_

_“Sentiment,” Loki teases weakly even as tears cloud his own eyes, and replaces the finger below Thor’s eye with a pair of soft, quivering lips._

_His world spins again._

_He is in Asgard, standing amidst the applauding crowd, watching the actors on stage bow to the audience._

_“Father,” he calls, handing over the crown of Surtur to one of the guards and instructing him to bring it to the vault, as he makes his way towards his little brother disguised in the form of the Allfather._

_“Thor—” Odin-Loki starts to say, but Thor pulls him into a hug before he can say anything else._

_“Brother,” he whispers, his heart aching when he feels Loki instantly freeze in his arms. “I’ve missed you so much,” he confesses, meaning it more than ever._

_Almost at once Loki melts into his embrace, his body shifting back to the familiar form that Thor knows and loves the most, and Thor pulls back to gaze at him, smiling. Thor hears gasps and murmurs all around them, but he can’t be bothered with them. Loki is here, and that's all he cares about right now._

_“How did you know it was me?” asks Loki in a small voice._

_“Only you would make a mockery of your own sacrifice, Brother,” Thor says with fond exasperation. He considers teasing his brother about the giant statue, but thinks better of it. There are much more important things that he needs to talk about. “Loki, why didn't you tell me you were alive?” he asks gently, devoid of any accusatory note._

_Loki looks at him uncertainly, gaze searching. “Aren’t you going to ask me where Father is?”_

_“That can wait,” says Thor resolutely, stamping down the guilt rising up in him. He doesn’t know if he can face his father yet. He was blindsided by the grief and rage then, when he had unfairly accused Loki of faking his death and irrationally blamed him for the loss of their father. But objectively he knows and should know that it wasn’t all Loki’s fault; if anything, Odin was more responsible than anyone else for things turning out this way. Loki wasn't the only one hurt by Odin’s lies, but he had been hurt the worst._

_He is suddenly reminded of Loki’s words to him on Sakaar—‘Hurts, doesn't it? Being lied to. Being told you’re one thing and learning it’s all just a fiction.’ His brother was trying to open up about his feelings then, hoping that Thor might finally understand, yet not only had Thor disregarded him, he even made him take all the blame. Thor really was the worst brother._

_But he has the chance to make it right. This time, he will not let Loki hurt alone._

_“You’re important to me too,” he says emphatically as he looks Loki in the eye, fingers caressing the soft wisps of hair at Loki’s nape in the way he knows his brother finds comforting. “Loki, will you tell me what happened to you on_ _Svartalfheim?  I want to know.” He flicks his gaze down to Loki’s clothed chest, where he now knows a nasty scar lies beneath the layers. It must have hurt a lot, and it was all for his sake._

_“Aren’t you angry with me?” asks Loki, sounding disbelieving, and Thor feels a sharp pang of regret in his chest._

_“Why would I be?” Thor asks, taking Loki’s hand and starting to lead them in the direction of their chambers. “You're alive and that’s all that matters,” he says softly, and feels Loki squeeze his hand._

_Once more, his world spins. Only this time it takes a considerably longer time to resettle._

_He is still in Asgard—that much he knows, even before he is fully conscious._

_“You are my brother and my friend. Sometimes I'm envious, but never doubt that I love you,” Loki tells him, voice soft and mellow._

_Thor's eyes widen. It’s the day of his long-awaited coronation. He remembers it clear as day—there is no way he can ever forget. It feels like such a long time ago, even though it really isn't. It is but a miniscule amount of time, an eye-blink in his interminable lifespan, yet things have managed to change so much it’s almost staggering to him. The Loki before him seems so young, so much smaller than Thor remembers. He stands regal and beautiful and confident—a demeanour perfectly befitting a proud prince of Asgard. Somehow his eyes seem larger and brighter than ever, clear as glass marbles and free from any shadows, possessing a mischievous twinkle and a childlike innocence. Thor swears to protect this with his life. He will not allow those precious orbs to lose their light ever again._

_‘Thank you,’ he remembers telling Loki before._

_“Thank you,” he tells Loki, reflexively clasping the back of his neck._

_“Now give us a kiss_ _,” Loki teases, smiling at him. Thor widens his eyes, dazed._

_“Thor?” Loki prompts, blinking at him, and Thor’s gaze follows the movement of his lashes distractedly._

_That's right; at that time, he should have—_

Thor's eyes flicker open. He wipes the perspiration from his forehead with the back of his hand and lowers it to cover his eyes. They feel wet.

“How embarrassing, crying in your sleep,” a voice remarks nonchalantly.

Thor reluctantly shifts into a sitting position and looks to the source dispassionately. It’s the Valkyrie— _Brunnhilde,_ Thor recalls her telling him her name—standing outside the door to his room, carrying a tray of something in one hand and a jug of mead in another. He hasn’t seen her until recently, since she led the remaining Asgardians to safety on the Commodore while he stayed behind on Statesman with Loki and the rest to fight back against the Mad Titan. Thor clenches his fists. If only he had been stronger, perhaps Loki wouldn't have—

Thor clutches his chest, hit by a dull, empty ache. It has been plaguing him since the day he lost Loki, along with the insomnia and nightmares.

After the battle in Wakanda, everyone had been emotionally and physically exhausted, and the Captain suggested that everyone regroup and rest there. Thor could tell that the Captain was barely holding himself together, but he stayed strong for everyone else's sake nonetheless. He was so much stronger and better than Thor. Thor couldn’t rest until he found Loki’s body. With the power of the Bifrost he believed he could do it, even if everyone told him he was mad. He got the estimated coordinates from the Rabbit and searched tirelessly and single-mindedly—he tried not to think about what he would do if— _when_ he actually found Loki. He didn’t know what he had been expecting. When he eventually found his brother, cold and lifeless, all he could do was mourn and cry. He cradled Loki in his arms and spoke and spoke to him, he apologised and begged him to wake up, but Loki never responded to him, until at last, even his body became gone to Thor.

Thor can never hold on to anything, after all.

The Valkyrie unceremoniously drops the tray on the floor beside his bed and crosses one arm, looking unimpressed. “They asked me to bring you some soup,” she explains, eyeing the tray with evident distaste, “But I thought you'd prefer this.” She waves the jug in her hand, raising a brow.

“Thanks,” rasps Thor, forcing a smile. “I appreciate it. But I don't really feel like drinking anything right now.”

The Valkyrie sighs and takes a swig from the jug that Thor has just refused. For a moment there is only silence in the room, until the Valkyrie speaks up again, but it's so soft Thor almost thinks he imagined it.

“I understand how it feels,” she says quietly. “Failing to protect someone you love.”

Thor starts pondering over what he should say to console her, but he can come up with nothing at all. He lowers his gaze to his hands, feeling completely useless. His mother, his father, his home, his people, his friends, his brother—he claims himself a hero, yet he can’t even save anyone or anything he loves. He smiles wryly, clenching his fists harder, until his fingernails dig into his palms painfully.

“Forget it, I'm not cut out for this,” says the Valkyrie, throwing her hands up in frustration. For a moment Thor thinks she is going to leave—because everyone leaves him—but she doesn't. “If you want someone to talk to, I'll be right here,” she offers instead, throwing herself onto the couch across the room. Thor purses his lips, contemplating what to say, not wanting to let her down.

“I dreamed of him,” he eventually breaks the silence, after a long while.

“Another nightmare?” the Valkyrie asks gently.

“No. It was different...” Thor says, frowning. “It felt so real, almost like a...” A vision, Thor thinks, but he’s afraid it is just his wishful thinking.

“It’s alright if you don’t want to talk about it,” the Valkyrie says, and Thor is grateful because he can tell that she means it.

“Thank you,” he says, smiling weakly, and this time it is genuine.

“You know...” She says slowly, and Thor looks at her questioningly. She closes her eyes and sighs in resignation.

“It worked,” she says simply.

“What?” Thor's eyes widen, and he holds his breath in anticipation, his heart pounding hard in his chest. For the first time in what feels like a long while, he feels alive.

“Your friends—they managed to find a way to send you back,” she explains, looking at him with an unreadable expression, and Thor feels like crying.  “You told us you have a plan. But are you really sure about this?” she asks gently.

Thor thinks. Thinks of everything he could have stopped, everything that could have gone differently. Their fateful trip to Jotunheim. His banishment to Midgard. Loki discovering his true parentage in the worst possible way, and Thor couldn’t even be there for him. Their fight on the bridge. The first time he lost Loki. Loki’s encounter with the Mad Titan that Thor never knew about, until it was too late.

“Yes,” he states determinedly. “I’m going.”

“Where to?” the Valkyrie— _Brunnhilde_ asks, uncrossing her arms as she stands up, smiling at Thor encouragingly. “I assume you have a destination in mind.”

Thor’s mind reels over all the possibilities that were shown to him in the dream earlier. He decides against every one of them, until he arrives at the last one. _‘Never doubt that I love you’—_ Loki’s words resound clear and insistent in his mind, as if he were right here speaking to Thor, reminding him.

“To the beginning,” decides Thor. To the beginning, where the sun shines upon them.

At that time, he should have given his brother a kiss and told him, _‘I love you too.’_

 

 


End file.
